The Doctor
The doctor took my shirt away;
He did it for the best;
He said, "It's very cold today,"
And took away my vest;
Then, having nothing more to say,
He hit me in the chest.
Oh, he did clout my ribs about
Till I was bruised and red,
Then stood and listened to my spine
To see if I was dead,
And when I shouted "Ninety-nine!"
He simply shook his head.
He rather thought that rain would fall,
He made me hop about the hall,
And savagely he said,
"There's nothing wrong with you at all
You'd better go to bed!
"Oh you must eat no scrap of meat,
No rabbit, bird, or fish;
Apart from that have what you please,
But no potato, bread, or cheese;
Not butter, alcohol, or peas;
Not sausage, egg, and ratafias
A very starchy dish;
Have any other foods but these
HAVE ANYTHING YOU WISH!
But at and after every meal,
And twice an hour between,
Take this -- and this -- and this -- and THIS
In water and quinine,
And wash it down with liquorice
And nitro-glycerine.
"You must not smoke, or read a book,
You must not eat or drink;
You must not bicycle or run,
You must not talk to anyone;
It's better not to think.
A daily bath I don't advise;
It's dangerous to snore;
But let your life be otherwise
As active as before.
And don't imagine you are ill,
I beg you not to mope;
There's nothing wrong with you -- but still,
While there is life, there's hope."
I woke and screamed a hideous scream
As greedy children do
Who eat too much vanilla cream
For I was having 'flu;
And it was just an awful dream
But, all the same, it's true.
Commentary
Sir Alan Patrick Herbert, 1890-1971, was a regular contributor of comic verse (over his initials “A.P.H.”) to the English magazine ‘Punch’. He is a distinguished member of a great tradition of English comic poets, which includes such luminaries as Edward Lear (1812-1888), Lewis Carroll (1832-1898), and Herbert’s contemporary Patrick Barrington (1909-1990). The only poem of Herbert on Minstrels to date is ‘To the Lady Behind Me at the Theatre’1. He merits more extensive representation.
As well as comic verse, Herbert was a novelist, librettist of successful comic operas, author of children’s books, and he served as a member of the House of Commons for Oxford University from 1935 until 1950. He was largely responsible for the passage of the bill (1937) which reformed the then-archaic divorce law of England. For more details see his autobiography2.
— William Grey
Show 3 commentsHide comments
From the Wondering Minstrels mailing list, 1999–2008.
Diane Rowe · 31 December 2006
I have never been able to find anyone who knew this poem. It was in a book I had as a child and it always tickled my sense of humour. I am now in my 60’s and from my experience some in the medical fraternity have changed very little.
Thank you for making it available.
Diane Rowe
Jean Mayers · 15 March 2007
love this poem - I learned it as a child in England, but over the past 60-odd years had forgotten most of it, apart from the first line or two. Thankyou so much for including it. I’ll make sure I don’t lose it this time!! Jean
Al Malcomson · 8 April 2007
Why Thankyou so much for supplying The Doctor which I remembered so well from my boyhood days in England from my mother’s Wonder Book. Along with this poem were other treasures such as “The Hobgoblin of Rantepole Wood” the Victorian novel, “A Flatiron for a Farthing” and many other neat stories. I have searched far and wide for this poem even to the magazine This England and finally I thought I would try the internet and presto it popped up right away.
Al Malcomson