At the Theatre: To the Lady Behind Me
Dear Madam, you have seen this play;
I never saw it till today.
You know the details of the plot,
But, let me tell you, I do not.
The author seeks to keep from me
The murderer's identity,
And you are not a friend of his
If you keep shouting who it is.
The actors in their funny way
Have several funny things to say,
But they do not amuse me more
If you have said them just before;
The merit of the drama lies,
I understand, in some surprise;
But the surprise must now be small
Since you have just foretold it all.
The lady you have brought with you
Is, I infer, a half-wit too,
But I can understand the piece
Without assistance from your niece.
In short, foul woman, it would suit
Me just as well if you were mute;
In fact, to make my meaning plain,
I trust you will not speak again.
And---may I add one human touch?---
Don't breathe upon my neck so much.
Commentary
Once upon a time you sent the Deep Sorriness Atonement Song (“They’re all sorry, very sorry, but I’m sorrier by far”) and commented that poetry can be useful. I first read this poem in ninth grade. We didn’t study it. I was bored and was paging ahead in our literature book. I had it half-memorized once upon a time, mostly because it’s funny. Then, years later, I became involved in community theater. This poem should be printed on the inside cover of every program handed out to every person who ever goes to a live theater production. My only complaint is that it doesn’t mention pagers and cell phones, which did not exist in A P Herbert’s time.
Info on A.P.Herbert:
From Simpson’s Contemporary Quotations:
A P Herbert, Member of British Parliament
QUOTATION: I am sure that the party system is right
and necessary. there must be some scum.
Wrote a series for Punch! Magazine called 'Misleading
Cases’ Here’s a link: http://www.kmoser.com/herbert/
Also wrote a book called ‘The Water Gypsies’
Here’s his entry in Factmonster.com:
Herbert, A. P. (Sir Alan Patrick Herbert), 1890-1971, English author and member of Parliament. He was a regular contributor to the comic magazine Punch from 1910 until his death. Herbert served in Parliament from 1935 until 1950 as a representative for Oxford Univ. and was largely responsible for the bill (1937) liberalizing English divorce law. His numerous books include The House by the River (1921), The Water Gipsies (1930), and The Singing Swan (1968). He was knighted in 1945.
- JKB
Martin adds
We’ve had, over the years, a number of letters from readers, expressing their delight at rediscovering poems whose half-remembered fragments had been haunting them. Well, the cosmic balance has been restored somewhat - today’s poem is one I read once, some ten years ago, and have been trying to relocate ever since (helped not at all by the fact that I only remembered the opening four lines). Many thanks to Jeff, with whose comments I agree fully.
Links
The aforementioned ‘Deep Sorriness Atonement Song’ can be found at poem #602
— Martin
Show 8 commentsHide comments
From the Wondering Minstrels mailing list, 1999–2008.
Colleen Medcraft · 4 November 2002
I cannot believe I have found this poem. I gave the search engine the first line and the first website that came up was this one. I, too, read this poem when I was at school (some 30-few) years ago. I quoted part of it once at a family outing to the Orchard Theatre in Dartford. I then felt very sorry that I couldn’t remember the rest of it. Oh how I shall enjoy quoting it again in the future!
Colleen Medcraft, Sidcup
Mosgiel Enterprises · 22 August 2003
Dear sir,
My father is after a poem by A.P Herbert written on a ship’s surgeon textbook on Gynaecology the first line went “The portions of a women that appeals to Man’s depravity , are constructed with considerable care.. I was wondering if you have a copy of this poem you could send me. My father is in his eighties and knew Herbert and would dearly love a copy of this poem Hoping you can help.
Cheers
Penelope Holmes Perth Western Australia
Gill.Wheatley · 27 October 2004
I remember having to recite this poem at primary school in Brixton, South London, and was reminded of the first few lines after sitting through a wonderful rendition of Blythe Spirit starring Penelope Keith. My poor partner obviously had a descendent of the original ‘dear madam’ sitting next to him. I couldn’t remember all of the poem and was thrilled when Google found this site for me.
Gill Wheatley
Cheltenham
rosali · 5 June 2005
Thank God for google! I read this verse as a lass and it always comes to mind when I’m at a movie and the audience decides to get in on the act. I have been searching Amazon.com for every book of verse without success. Today I decided to do a google search with the first line and Viola!
P A Neal · 14 October 2006
G’day , I am from New Zealand, originally from Norfolk ; England. As an apprentice many years ago we had one of the tradesmen recite the poem “ The portions of a women that appeals to mans depravity” I only heard it that one time (50 years ago) but can still recall snatches of it . Can you redirect me to the full vrtion?? Regards Pete Neal
P A Neal · 26 October 2006
G’day, I’ve been trying for sometime to get hold of the poem “the doctors lament” can you point me in the right direction? Rgards Pete Neal
Richard Coombs · 9 February 2007
Dear Reader,
I have a copy of the poem to which you refer, and would be happy to send it to you on receipt of a reply. RMHC…
Martin Scott · 23 August 2007
The portions of the female
Which appeal to man’s depravity
Are fashioned with considerable care.
And what appears at first to be just a simple cavity Is really an elaborate affair.
There’s the vulva, the vagina,
And the good old perineum,
And the hymen (that is sometimes found in brides) The labia majora and the labia minora
The clitoris and god knows what besides.
So what a shame it is then,
That when common people utter
of these mysteries to which I have referred,
They always seem to sink into the language of the gutter And use such a short- and nasty - little word!