The Bloody Orkneys
This bloody town's a bloody cuss
No bloody trains, no bloody bus,
And no one cares for bloody us
In bloody Orkney.
The bloody roads are bloody bad,
The bloody folks are bloody mad,
They'd make the brightest bloody sad,
In bloody Orkney.
All bloody clouds, and bloody rains,
No bloody kerbs, no bloody drains,
The Council's got no bloody brains,
In bloody Orkney.
Everything's so bloody dear,
A bloody bob, for bloody beer,
And is it good? - no bloody fear,
In bloody Orkney.
The bloody 'flicks' are bloody old,
The bloody seats are bloody cold,
You can't get in for bloody gold
In bloody Orkney.
The bloody dances make you smile,
The bloody band is bloody vile,
It only cramps your bloody style,
In bloody Orkney.
No bloody sport, no bloody games,
No bloody fun, the bloody dames
Won't even give their bloody names
In bloody Orkney.
Best bloody place is bloody bed,
With bloody ice on bloody head,
You might as well be bloody dead,
In bloody Orkney
Commentary
Another poem in our series on ‘The Poet Cranky’, submitted by Frank O’Shea:
Since I suggested this topic, here is another one to keep things going.
I have no idea who the author is, but would love to learn.
Anyone who goes to the Orkneys or to any other Scottish islands and complains about the beer deserves everything they get. People who visit Scottish islands should stick to single malt and if they complain about that, they are about ready to be put down. Before I die, I would love to spend a week in Islay - you don’t allow advertisements, I suppose, so I had better not say any more.
— Frank
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From the Wondering Minstrels mailing list, 1999–2008.
Ian Baillieu · 19 June 2004
With ‘bloody’ pronounced ‘bluidy’ no doubt. Should have been written that way!
I recall reading somewhere that this poem expressed the frustration, not of the Orkney locals, but of troops posted there in the war. Sources on the Internet say the author was Captain Hamish Blair, RN. So it was probably the navy, not the army.
Gill Ewing · 20 June 2004
“Bloody Orkney” was a favourite party poem when I was at university in Edinburgh in the 1960s - usually declaimed by a bunch of rather drunk undergraduate men at some stage during the evening.
Given that the best beer is made in S. Scotland or N. England I would suppose Orkney beer to be pretty bad if they make it themselves (too far north for the ingredients) and very expensive if imported, which I’m sure it must be. Maybe they import from Scandinavia - in which case, according to my husband, it is certain to be dreadful!
Thanks for reawakening a long-lost souvenir!
Gill Ewing
Acatcalledfish · 22 June 2004
Yes, the author is accredited as Captn. Hamish Blair, and the poem is sung as a folk song throughout the midlands. Apparently the locals added their own comments thus;
Captain Hamish “Bloody” Blair
Isna posted here nae mare
But no-one seems to bloody care
In bloody Orkney
Lynd Mike · 22 June 2004
Pedantry first - this should be called “Bloody Orkney” rather than “The Bloody Orkneys”
Secondly, you are missing the last verse:
There’s nothing greets your bloody eye
But bloody sea and bloody sky
“Roll on demob!” we bloody cry
In bloody Orkney.
“Demob” confirms the wartime origin of the piece since this of course a reference to demobilisation, i.e. being released from conscription.
The Royal Navy had a huge naval base and anchorage at Scapa Flow in the Orkneys, which would explain Captain Blair’s enforced exile there.
best wishes,
Mike Lynd